LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SCIENCE

I do not have lactose intolerance (or I do have lactose tolerance, if you want to skirt around the double negative) but is is PRETTY FUCKING FASCINATING.

Lactose tolerance is TECHNICALLY the abnormality. Lactose intolerance is the norm among humans, apes, and the majority of mammals really.

Lactose is broken down by an enzyme called LACTASE. In a lactose intolerant organism, it is present in most babies, but then it stops being produced when children get older. BUT some human populations KEPT FUCKING EATING DAIRY ANYWAY and found it WASN’T MAKING THEM SICK. Which is FUCKING RAD. This is due to the autosomal dominant allelle (the gene, basically) which lets us KEEP PRODUCING LACTASE like FUCKING BADASSES.

It is a recent evolution, as in the last 10000 years, and the mutation is most common in European populations, where they were like THIS MILK IS MAKING ME SICK AS ALL GET OUT BUT I AM GOING TO DRINK IT ANYWAY THEN I’M GOING TO GO START A FUCKING REVOLUTION AND INVENT THE CANNON AND WEAR A RIDICULOUS WIG. (That is my given knowledge of European history. ALL European history.)

The majority of people are LACTOSE INTOLERANT. Lactose tolerance is most common among Europeans and European descendents, but are the minority. This isn’t known because the Western media makes shit that says “LACTOSE INTOLERANCE IS FOR ASIANS AND DORKS LOL” and they make it because they are MORONS.

So, what happens if you don’t produce lactase? Basically, your stomach and small intestine enzymes for digesting all the other shit you eat (protein, carbohydrates, gummi worms) are like “WTF is this shit? This doesn’t fit into my shiny fancy charged amino acid panel. You can fuck right off.”

SO. The lactose moves into your colon, where the bacteria there (E. coli mostly. I need to do a post about how much I fucking love e.coli) are like “WHOA! CHECK THIS OUT! LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF WE CAN EAT!” So the e. coli are eating and processing that shit, and they produce copious amounts of hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane (THOSE JERKS!). This causes the most common lactose intolerance symptoms - you know what they are.

The sugars left over because the bacteria don’t want ‘em and the gas produced by the bacteria raises the osmotic pressure of the colon, meaning the water in the body isn’t being kept out of the colon, and it immediately rushes inwards which causes more grossness.

GUESS WHAT?!

YOU LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY!

GOOD FOR YOU!